Finding a Way Through Loss: What Can Help with Grief?
This blog is the final in a series of five in-depth blogs looking at the experience of grief and loss.
In a sense, we’ve been considering what can help with feelings of grief and loss in each of the blogs so far. We’ve considered some of the forms grief can take in the first blog, as well as the impact and effects of loss for many people. Knowing what to potentially expect when experiencing grief can be of comfort, and help to provide reassurance. In the second, third and fourth blogs, we looked closely at various theoretical models often used to help explain grief and loss. It’s important to know that there are many different models, and each one of these is simply an attempt – always an imperfect one – to give structure and meaning to the experience of grief. Whilst these models can feel a bit too remote, distant and theoretical, they can help some people to recognise and name some of the things they experience in their own grief. This can normalise otherwise confusing and disorientating feelings.
And so, this blog picks up where the other articles have left off – to ensure that a clear and robust answer is given to the question: what can help with grief?
In the depth of winter, there can be signs of spring emerging. In the depth of grief, there are things that can help to bring a sense of hope.
What can help with grief?
The short answer: plenty of care and compassion. Throughout these blogs, we’ve taken time to consider how adopting a non-judgemental and accepting approach to yourself and your own feelings can be helpful. After any form of loss, self-care and taking gentle and compassionate steps to soothe and comfort yourself is important. That may, or many not, come easily to you. Try to offer compassion and acceptance to any part of you that resists looking after yourself or being gentle with yourself. Grief is a natural process in response to loss. The grieving process can be painful and difficult. It is important, then, to find ways to look after yourself if you have experienced loss of any kind.
Self-care and self-compassion can be helpful.
Self-care examples:
Self-care comes in many different forms. You are likely to have an inner sense of what helps you to feel more at ease with yourself, and more supported. If you are stuck for ideas, consider whether any of these suggestions seem a good fit for you:
Expressing your feelings in a journal.
Talking to trusted friends.
Speaking to a grief counsellor.
Taking one day at a time.
Managing your commitments and pacing yourself.
Saying “no” to social engagements or commitments that seem too much for now.
Eating healthy meals.
Exercise.
Asking for help.
Speaking with a grief counsellor is one of a range of ways you can take care of your self when you have experienced loss.
Accept your feelings:
Acknowledging and accepting your feelings without judgment can be a real act of self-care when facing loss. Feelings such as anger, guilt, loneliness, and sadness are likely to arise during the grief process. Try to remember feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. Finding ways to express your feelings can help. This can be via a journal or diary, speaking with a trusted friend, arranging an appointment with a counsellor, or calling a helpline to speak to someone outside of the family.
J
ournalling is one way to express your feelings - you may prefer a printed journal with prompts. For many, a blank (or lined) exercise book works just as well.
Be patient with yourself:
The motto of “one day at a time” can be a helpful form of self-care when facing loss. You are likely to have better days than others. Try to focus on each day at a time and set yourself small, achievable goals. If you feel frustrated with yourself, consider what you’d say to a friend in the same situation and aim to offer yourself this same level of care with kindness and patience. Aim to avoid saying “yes” to commitments that are unrealistic, so you give yourself the time and space you need. It's okay to take your time.
Offer yourself physical care:
Attending to your physical needs is a way you can offer yourself care during the difficult process of grief. Consider what steps you can take towards getting adequate sleep, eating nutritionally balanced meals and finding ways for regular exercise and relaxation. Above all, be kind to yourself in this process. Offer yourself compassion if you are finding it hard to eat healthy, regular meals or take regular exercise. But, where you can, aim to look after yourself physically in gentle and compassionate ways. Can you take a short walk outside? Or fix up a simple meal that will give your body what you need? If you are finding that you begin to use drugs, alcohol or other methods to self-medicate, aim to offer yourself care and seek support.
Find your own ways to remember:
The Continuing Bonds Model demonstrates that for many people, finding ways to continue bonds with a person after their death can be helpful. If you consider that to be the case for you, find your own ways to remember. This could include making a memory box, displaying photographs and visiting places you enjoyed together. Such a resource can then – if you feel it is appropriate and helpful for you – be shared with a trusted friend or family member to facilitate shared conversation about your loss.
You may, or may not, find it helpful to use photos as a way to connect with your feelings around loss and grief.
Accept others’ help:
Grieving a loss can be very draining. You may want to “go it alone”. However, it can be an act of self-care to accept, and even ask for the help from others. Consider who in your social circle you feel comfortable with and let them know when you are finding things difficult. There are also a range of peer-support and professional support services who can help you. For example, online peer support is available via the Sue Ryder online bereavement community.
It's okay to ask for help
Below are a list of some useful forms of support and information relating to various forms of grief and loss:
Anne Robson Trust: Support for people and their loved ones facing the end of life.
Blue Cross: Pet bereavement and pet loss.
Child Bereavement UK: Help for families after a child dies, or when a child in grieving.
Cruse and Cruse Scotland: Bereavement support, information and campaigning.
Tell us Once: A service that lets you report a death to most government organisations in one go.
Life Ledger: Free, easy to use death notification service.
Sands: Stillbirth and neonatal death charity, ssupporting anyone affected by the death of a baby.
Amparo: support for anyone impacted by death from suicide.
Pause to reflect:
So – as we come to the end of the final of these five blogs focussing on grief and loss, take a moment to take stock. Have you discovered anything about yourself? About your experience of loss. Has anything caused you to be curious, disappointed, angry or sad? And, if so – what do you need just now? Trust your own process and your own sense of self to listen to your feelings, and thoughts. And above all, be gentle and compassionate to yourself as you do so. So – for anyone impacted by loss or grief reading this, that is – anyone and everyone of us, of course – wishing you warmth and kindness.
If you have been impacted by any of the themes or topics in this blog, please reach out for support. One of the ways you can do this is by speaking to a bereavement counsellor via the free webchat service provided by Cruse.