How counselling helps with unmasking — Free To Be Counselling

Unmasking through Counselling

It’s not unusual to ask questions about our own sense of self – who we are, and what matters to us. It’s a hallmark of being human that we can and do question our own consciousness. I love the wrestle with these questions in my own life, and am privileged to join others in their own process of grappling with these themes. Many people come to counselling to explore their identity, and to make meaning of who they are – and often talk about feeling like they need to hide how they really feel – to put on a mask, to pretend and cover up. Therapy offers the soil in which such questions and feelings can take root, grow and find fruition. Perhaps you recognise these themes and questions in your own life? You might recognise that you feel empty, or unsure of yourself, or struggle to feel a secure sense of self. Perhaps you experience yourself as acting, playing a role, or wearing a mask to fit in? That can make it difficult to know who you really are. In this article, we explore the experience of masking and how that can get in the way of knowing yourself. We’ll take time to explore the benefits of finding spaces, places, and relationships where you can unmask, and we’ll look at how counselling helps with unmasking and exploring questions of self-identity.

Masking leaves you bewildered

*Who are you?*

*Are you the mask, or the person behind the mask?*

The concept of playing a role, or masking, is not new. The Ancient Romans used the word “persona” to describe a 'part' or 'character’ used to face the world. Masking can help us to feel less vulnerable and to present a front to the world. To fit in, or to avoid conflict, to sidestep difficult conversations. Whether we think of masking as playing a role, putting up a front or putting on a brave face, the outcome is the same - wearing a mask can leave you feeling bewildered as to who you really are and disconnected from the full range of your feelings and your experience of yourself.

Neurodivergent masking

*In a NT world, it’s hard to know how to be yourself when you’re ND*

Masking is a term that is often used to describe many neurodivergent (ND) people’s experience of trying to live in a world designed by neurotypicals. You might have heard and read about Autistic masking or ADHD masking and the concept of unmasking? You may have lived experience of masking Autistic &/or ADHD traits yourself. Perhaps you are dyslexic and creatively found ways to hide challenges you’ve faced in education, adopting strategies to mask your dyslexia. If so, you’ll know how exhausting masking can be. You’ll also know how daunting being vulnerable and showing others more of yourself can feel.

Research shows many young adults with ADHD feel pressure to mask in social interactions (Ginapp et al., 2023). This same study suggests ADHD masking may be more common in females. Interestingly, other research suggests women tend to employ more compensatory behaviors to hide ADHD symptoms (Young et al., 2020). For ADHD people, masking can be a honed technique, perfected over many years as a result of lived experience.

Playing a role

When we consider masking, it’s helpful to think about acting. Professional actors work hard for their money – learning lines and perfecting the art of playing someone they’re not. In a similar way, living with (diagnosed or not) neurodivergence in a neurotypical (NT) world can mean you work very hard to play a role. To learn to respond to the cues of “sit still”, “be organized” or “just relax!”. ND masking is a common response to NT pressure to fit in and to learn the lines that others want to hear. Playing a role takes time and energy and may leave you with little energy left to allow your strengths to shine. Of course, professional actors step out of character when the job’s over – if you’re masking ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, or another form of neurodivergence, you may find there’s no let-up from masking.

Christine McGuinness’ experience of masking

Christine McGuinness’ BBC Documentary, “Unmasking my Autism” echoes echo many ND people’s experience of masking.

The recent BBC Documentary “Unmasking my Autism” offers chance to gain from one Christine McGuinness’ experience of masking and the impact that’s had on her. Aged 33, the documentary follows her as she enters into a process of being assessed and then diagnosed Autistic. In a poignant clip where her Autism is confirmed – she says several phrases that echo many ND people’s experience of masking:

· “I’ve always felt different.”

· “It’s just exhausting.”

· “I thought I’d hid it better.”

· “I’ve faked a lifetime.”

· “I feel like I’ve faked a whole life”.

Masking driven by messages received in childhood

We absorb childhood messages, including “be strong”, “don’t feel” and “try hard”.

So, the word “masking” is often associated with ND. But the phenomenon of masking is not limited to Autistic, Dyslexic, Dyspraxic or ADHD folk. NT people also experience masking. Remember, masking can be an adaptive way to try to fit in. When there’s expectations laid down by others about what behaviors are valued, and what’s not accepted, it’s normal and natural to evolve our way of being in the world and around others to try to blend in. We’re socialized to conform and fit into the expectations that surround us. Family dynamics can place huge expectations upon children to present in a certain way, and this then becomes a driver that determines how that child presents themselves to others. We can think of these drivers as phrases such as:

“Be strong”
“Hurry up”
“Be perfect”
“Try hard”
“Please others”

“Look pretty”
“Don’t feel”
“Keep quiet”

So, I wonder if you recognise any expectations you were exposed to as a child from that list? Do you recognise any of these as sentiments that drive your behavior and contact with others as an adult nowadays? How bewildered do you feel as a result about who you really are when these messages aren’t there?

Do you force yourself to keep quiet when you have things to say?
Do you push yourself to make eye contact, or find strategies that allow you to mimic others?
Do you pretend to be interested when you’re not?
Do you fake a smile and adjust your body language to what you think people want to see?

If none of these are a fit for you, you may be aware of your own drivers that you absorbed a long time ago and which influence you to conform to others’ expectations. That can be exhausting. Awareness of this process is often useful – and many people use counselling as a place to grow in such self-awareness and to spot patterns around childhood expectations that drive adult behaviors, leading to a form of masking.

Masking grief and loss

*Grief leaves us feeling alone*

*The pressure to “grieve well” and “move through grief” can lead to masking.*

A word, too, about masking in relation to grief. Experiencing grief and loss is painful. This pain can be exacerbated by other people’s difficulty in simply allowing us to feel such pain. It’s not uncommon for someone bereaved to find acquaintances avoiding them. Equally, people grieving can find friends and family members try to give them “solutions” to their pain – “why don’t you try joining a social group”, “you’ll feel better if you think positive”. So often, it is other people’s discomfort around death and loss that leads them to behave in ways that avoid, sidestep or “fix” sadness. As a result, bereaved people can feel under pressure to mask – to put on a brave face, to signal to others that they’re coping or are well on the way to “getting over it”. Their inner reality may not match their outer presentation to the world. As with the various forms of masking we’ve explored here, this process is exhausting and leaves us feeling alone and misunderstood. The mask people around you meet is not necessarily the “real” you. We can think of the mask as a false self.

Why do we mask?

So, what’s the function and purpose of masking? Why do you mask if it’s so exhausting? There are many possible answers, and it’s important to consider your own reasons and situation and what meaning masking holds for you.

Common reasons that people give to explain masking include:

I just want to fit in.
I don’t want to feel a failure.
I’m anxious you’ll reject me if you see the real me.
I don’t think you will understand how my brain works if I let you see more of myself.
I prefer to not be the focus of attention.
I want to hide my symptoms.
I’ve learnt to stay strong. Masking stops me feeling vulnerable.
I know you feel uncomfortable about my loss and I feel responsible for managing your feelings.
I don’t know how to unmask.

Camouflaging as masking

Sometimes the word camouflaging is used to describe the process of masking. Masking is a form of blending in, fitting in, not standing out. In the animal kingdom, camouflage is protective against predators. An animal that “stands out” in contrast to others is at increased risk of attack from predators who can spot them more easily. Masking, then, can be a way people avoid attack and perceived criticism and rejection in their relationships. We can think of masking as “impression management”.

How counselling helps you understand masking

*Counselling allows you to gain awareness of your own process of masking*

Working out why you mask is something that counselling can help with. Because masking can be an automatic behavior, done outside of your conscious awareness, raising awareness and identifying patterns and themes allows you to consciously explore what might previously have gone “under the radar”. Counseling is a helpful ways to explore these questions for yourself and to increase your awareness of the unique meaning of masking for you.

Counselling and unmasking

It’s important to state that therapy offers more than awareness raising. Therapy also offers space and a non-judgmental and empathic relationship where you can show up and be yourself. Counselling can be a place where you can experiment with unmasking. The process of therapy often involves becoming more comfortable about letting yourself be seen and known, supporting choice around the extent to which you want to allow yourself to be seen and known by others in your life. Rather than “bottling up” your authentic feelings, counselling allows for space to let the lid off – to express yourself. To moves towards accepting and loving yourself and coming to know who you are a depth.

So, if you recognise some of the themes raised in this article with your own life, consider if you’d like to get in touch to discuss how working with me – Claire Law - to discuss how counselling can help. Whether that’s through online therapy or face-to-face counselling here in Preston, the process of exploring questions of your identity behind the mask can be helpful in allowing you to connect with the freedom to live your life as fully as you can.

References:

Ginapp, C. M., Greenberg, N. R., Macdonald-Gagnon, G., Angarita, G. A., Bold, K. W., & Potenza, M. N. (2023). The experiences of adults with ADHD in interpersonal relationships and online communities: A qualitative study. SSM. Qualitative research in health, 3, 100223.

Young, S., Adamo, N., Ásgeirsdóttir, B.B. et al. Females with ADHD: An expert consensus statement taking a lifespan approach providing guidance for the identification and treatment of attention-deficit/ hyperactivity disorder in girls and women. BMC Psychiatry 20, 404 (2020).

Who am I?