Self-Care: Exorcising the ghosts of self-disregard
Self-disregard
Many people are haunted by a form of self-attack, self-criticism and self-rejection. Self-care is the antidote.
Welcome to the second article in this mini-series on self-care. In a previous blog, we considered how self-care means being a good friend to yourself. Here, we’ll be focusing on the factors that can get in the way of self-care and self-compassion. As I said in the first blog * spoiler alert * its not necessarily about a lack of time! We can think of the things that get in the way of us caring for ourselves as ghosts that haunt us, and lead us towards self-disregard, and away from self-care. In this blog, I’ll share with you my thoughts on why self-care is important – why it’s so important to exorcise and deal with the specters that get in the way of us being kind to ourselves if we want to tackle anxiety, workplace stress, grief, loss, depression and a whole host of other challenges. My hope is that you find plenty of useful ideas here to get to the roots of any challenges you have in being kind and compassionate to yourself. And, as always, do get in touch if you’d like to take your journey of self-discovery further through therapy, either online or via face-to-face counselling in Preston. I’d be happy to discuss how we can work together to free you from the ghosts of self-disregard.
What gets in the way of self-care?
Taking time to care for self.
When I have (make!) time, connecting with nature is an important form of self-care for me.
I’ve recently enjoyed some annual leave and a break from work. I’ve had more time to connect with my passions, and the things that bring me pleasure, flow and a tangible sense of my own okayness. For me, that includes movement: yoga, walking, swimming; nature: gardening and countryside; creativity: crochet, colour and words. With my annual leave now in my rear-view mirror, it would be tempting to think that a lack of time is a self-care barrier. I just don’t have the same amount of time in each week, compared to when I’m on holiday! But I also know that can be an excuse for me. Over the years, I’ve learnt (sometimes the hard way!) that I do need to make time for regular, daily self-care and self-nurture. To be kind, compassionate and gentle with myself, as I am with my friends. That’s meany getting to grips with some of the other themes that lie beneath my “lack of time” excuse. In my client work as a therapist, I support others to do the same – to get to the root the ghosts and specters that scare us away from any movement towards self-care.
Sometimes the very thing we crave can be daunting. When we’ve not exorcised the ghouls of the past, self-care can feel icky, indulgent and cringey. You might believe you don’t deserve to care for yourself. That there’s better, more important things to do with your time and energy? If you’re a parent, you might feel that your kids come first - and you have no right to spend time caring for yourself. You might feel self-care is just another “to do” on the never ending list. Perhaps you feel a moral judgement of yourself when you engage in anything that seems “self-care orientated”. That self-care is selfish? The phantoms from the past whisper in our ears: “I need to push myself harder”, “resting equals weakness”, “what will people think of me” and “there’s more important things for me to do”. These messages can take us to the place that we can consider as the polarity to self-care: self-neglect and self-disregard.
Taking care of self to take care of others.
Many people have heard the metaphor of the oxygen mask when it comes to self-care. When you fly on an airplane, the flight attendant instructs you to “put your oxygen mask on first,” before helping others in the event of an emergency. It seems almost counter intuitive to look after yourself before helping children or other people. But if you run out of oxygen yourself, you can't help anyone else with their oxygen mask. The same principle applies to so many situations in life. If we only ever care for others, and pay no attention to our self-care, we burnout and are of no use to anyone. As helpful as this metaphor is, it doesn’t speak to the ways that we can disregard ourselves and resist being kind and compassionate to self. The factors that sit behind “I’ll do something “self-carey” later….. I just don’t have time right now…..”.
Let’s consider, then, the things that get in the way of you attending to your own self-care. Here’s some of the common ways that people self-sabotage. I invite you to reflect on any points that speak to you and help you towards a recognition of how you might be barricading yourself from nurturing and life enhancing self-care for yourself.
Do you:
Believe you don’t deserve to be kind to yourself?
Make excuses that there are more important things to do than care for yourself?
Always put others before yourself?
Hold a mindset that if you are compassionate to yourself you won’t be successful?
Believe that a “stick” is more effective than a “carrot” as motivation.
Have a history of seeing parents and caregivers neglect their own self-care?
Link self-care with self-indulgence?
See vulnerability as a weakness?
Link your self-worth to what you achieve in life?
Have a history of being told you’re not good enough and have come to (perhaps subconciously) believe this?
These points are so often entangled with our past life experiences. In this way, the past plays out in our present. What might present as a desire to “crack on” and get things done may be tangled up with past experiences of failure and rejection. Recognizing and raising your awareness of the patterns you exhibit around self-care can be a helpful avenue into exploring, making meaning of, and changing the direction of your life so that the past no longer haunts the present.
Reflection upon our self-care patterns
A helpful avenue into changing the direction of your life so the past no longer haunts you.
Why is self-care so important?
And so, why is self-care so important? In our first blog, we compared self-care to being a good friend to yourself. Well, there’ aren’t many friends who’ll want to stick around if you bully, criticize and shame them. In this way, self-care and self-compassion matter if you want to have a healthy and life-giving relationship with yourself. To do otherwise is to abandon yourself. To fail to care for yourself is a form of self-disregard and self-rejection.
I also want to add that if you’re living with a disability, have a caring role for others, or are vulnerable to overwhelm as a consequence of being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world, self-care is essential to finding ways to mitigate the additional stress you are likley to face.
Self-Care
Self-care involves loving yourself in much the same way as you love a good friend.
The benefits of self-care and self-compassion.
Research[i] shows the beneficial effects of self-care include improved well-being and lower morbidity and mortality. In other words, if you want to increase your chances of living a long, happy and healthy life – then be kind, caring and compassionate to yourself. And, if you are interested in how self-care can benefit you at work – research[ii] shows that in the workplace, leaders who engage in sufficient self-care are more likely to have employees with lower irritation, fewer psychosomatic complaints, and better overall health. So, caring for yourself can help you to be an effective leader and may well boost your team’s effectiveness at work.
Awareness dispels self-disregard darkness
Yes, there are all kinds of core beliefs, painful experiences and difficult emotions that can lead us to being unkind, demanding and rejecting of self. This doesn’t need to be how things remain for you. By appreciating why self-care is important, and what barriers can get in the way of being kind and compassionate towards yourself, you’re able to grow in self-awareness. I like to think of self-awareness as a light that illuminates the way forward. The self-care haunted house, that once seemed too frightening to approach becomes less daunting when we have the torch of awareness. My hope is that some of the points here have helped you reflect further on self-care in your own life. And, if you’d like to take these reflections further and transform your life through psychotherapy (face-to-face in Preston, or online) I’d be glad to hear from you. Look out for more thoughts and musings on self-care in the final blog of this mini-series.
References:
[i] Riegel, B., Dunbar, S. B., Fitzsimons, D., Freedland, K. E., Lee, C. S., Middleton, S., Stromberg, A., Vellone, E., Webber, D. E., & Jaarsma, T. (2021). Self-care research: Where are we now? Where are we going?. International journal of nursing studies, 116, 103402.
[ii] Klug, K., Felfe, J., & Krick, A. (2022). Does Self-Care Make You a Better Leader? A Multisource Study Linking Leader Self-Care to Health-Oriented Leadership, Employee Self-Care, and Health. International journal of environmental research and public health, 19(11), 6733.