Self-Care: How and Why?
Self-care
The act and intention of being a good friend to yourself.
Self-Care: Being a good friend to yourself.
I’d like to invite you to call to mind someone you care about: a friend or a family member, perhaps, or even a beloved pet. How do you show them you care. If money weren’t a barrier – what gift would you buy them? What words do you want to say to them? What kind gesture do you feel drawn to do for them as a way of expressing your care? When we care about someone, a good friend or a family member, we like to find ways to show our love, care and kindness to them. This is especially the case when our friend or family member is in a time of need or crisis. And yet, for most of us (me included!) caring for ourselves feels less easy. “Self-care” has become a familiar phrase in recent years. It can feel “icky” to be kind, nurturing and compassionate to ourselves. Somehow, being tough, pushy and critical towards ourselves feels simpler than offering ourselves a more gentle and encouraging approach. Yet, we’d likely never think of chastising or cruelly criticizing a friend who is struggling.
It’s this theme of self-care and self-kindness that I’m addressing in this mini-series of blogs. I’ve been inspired to write this series after my recent annual leave, where I was able to carve out plenty of self-care time. Walking, yoga, gardening, crochet, lounging, chatting, connecting. Bliss! The return to “business-as-normal” makes me want to hold onto the leisure and ease of self-care. In this first blog, I’ll share with you my reflections on what self-care is and offer you a chance to take an audit of your current self-care. In our second blog, we’ll look at some of the factors getting in the way of self-care and self-compassion. Spoiler alert - its not just a lack of time! I’ll also share with you why self-care is so important and effective at helping with anxiety, workplace stress, grief, loss, depression and a whole host of other challenges. In our final blog, I’ll be exploring some down-to-earth and practical ideas about how you can increase your self-care levels, without the cringe factor. As with my therapeutic approach, I’ll be taking a neuro-affirming stance throughout - with strategies for self-care that are Autistic and ADHD friendly.
Everyday self-care.
Everyday self-care
Being a friend to yourself in small, simple, daily ways.
So, what is self-care? If you believe the messaging promoted by big business, you may be tempted to think self-care means expensive face creams, spa weekends and luxury holidays. These things can certainly be part of self-care. But equally, if we indulge in these activities whilst also telling ourselves we don’t deserve to, it’s no longer self-care – instead, we’re reinforcing negative self-beliefs. I prefer to put the focus on the intention and mindset that lie underneath these actions and activities – the why? Anything we’re doing to be a good friend to ourselves - and check in ourselves with a caring, non-judgmental and supportive attitude can be considered a form of self-care. Many forms of self-care cost nothing beyond our time and intention. The simple daily act of brushing your teeth, when accompanied by an attitude of grateful appreciation for your teeth, and the chance to attend to their wellbeing becomes an act of self-care. Having an awareness of our physical needs throughout the day and then seeking out a glass of water when we’re thirsty, and or going to the loo when nature calls – without apology – can also be a form of self-care when it’s underpinned by an interest and respect for our own needs. I call this “everyday self-care”. It’s akin to asking, “how are you?” with an attitude of loving kindness, and then “what do I need, right now, to feel more fully me in this moment”. Everyday self-care means being a good friend to yourself.
Self-care: As much about what we don’t do!
Everyday self-care is also as much about what we don’t do, as what we do. Caring for yourself with an attitude of compassionate and gentle kindness means avoiding self-attack and automatic self-blame based on core beliefs such as “it’s always my fault” and “I’m a failure”. It involves catching those familiar thought patterns and fantasies that you’re no good, that people will reject you if they knew the real you, that you need to hide yourself, that you’ve got nothing of worth to offer. Instead, you can choose to show yourself kindness and love and appreciate your own worth and value. Being honest, open and compassionate with yourself. Therapy is a great place to explore, and update, some of these negative core-beliefs that lurk around, haunting our minds and bodies. Counselling can really help towards exorcising some of the ghosts of self-attack and self-rejection - the barriers that make caring for yourself feel so difficult. For anyone who experiences RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) that can, so often, be a side effect of being neurodivergent (ND) in a neurotypical (NT) world, self-attack may come easily. Simply being told to up your self-care sometime doesn’t hit the spot. Whether you identify as ND or NT, therapy can support you to develop a more compassionate mindset towards self, so that you’re less likely to get highjacked by the thoughts, feelings and actions that undermine being a good friend to yourself.
Self-critical thoughts, feelings and actions undermine self-care. Self-care includes getting to the root of the ways we reject, hurt and punish ourselves.
Taking a self-care audit.
Take a moment to consider what self-care means to you? What does self-care currently look like for you? And what is your underlining attitude and intention towards yourself when you connect with any form of self-care? These questions can help you to grow your awareness of your current self-care position. If that feels too vague and open-ended for you, you might like to try working your way through a self-care audit. There’s no “correct” answers here, you’re simply increasing your awareness of yourself and your approach to caring for yourself. You will then have information that helps you to make choices. If you choose to use the audit questionnaire, aim to work through it with an open, non-judgmental attitude.
How did you get on with that audit? One way to process your feelings and thoughts about the audit is to consider the following questions. These are questions you might want to explore with the help of a counsellor or therapist. You can also take time to reflect on them with a trusted friend, or by yourself.
Which question particularly stood out for you in the audit?
Do you have a sense of why this impacted you?
What surprises you about your responses to the audit?
What have you learned about yourself from the audit?
Are there any changes you feel drawn to make because of this audit?
The domains of self-care:
There are several domains of self-care
Each one helps you bloom and thrive.
A self-care audit allows you to consider self-care across a range of domains within your life. Perhaps you noticed some of these themes in the questionnaire above? Let’s consider the range of different self-care domains.
Psychological self-care.
Psychological self-care is anything that helps our mind feel safe and healthy, supporting positive mental wellbeing. Catching self-critical automatic statements and trying out more compassionate self-talk supports psychological self-care.
Emotional self-care.
Emotional self-care is anything that supports our emotional development and the expression of our feelings. Naming how you feel and offering yourself non-judgmental acceptance that you feel as you feel is one way to support emotional self-care. Having strategies to deal with the signs you’re becoming emotionally out of your comfort zone, or dysregulated, is another form of emotional self-care.
Spiritual self-care.
Spiritual self-care refers to anything that helps us to express our sense of spirituality. That will be different for each of us and doesn’t require us to be religious, believe in an afterlife or any form of divine being. Activities such as volunteering for a cause that you believe in, giving expression to your creativity or forgiving yourself when you make mistakes, are great examples of spiritual self-care. Drilling down into discovering and befriending your meaning and purpose in life is another example.
Personal self-care.
Personal self-care means looking after our personal interests. Financial decisions would fall under personal self-care, as would saying no to something we feel uncomfortable with and sticking to our boundaries. Goal planning also fits under this one.
Professional self-care.
Finally, work or study-based self-care could be called professional self-care: it's anything that supports our sense of feeling fulfilled by your job or vocation in life, allowing us to contribute to society.
Therapy as a possible next step?
I’d be happy to welcome you in exploring your own how and whys of self-care.
Next steps for the how and the why of self-care
Self-care then is about both how and the why: what we do (and don’t do) across various life domains as well as the attitudes, beliefs and intentions that lie underneath our actions. Hopefully, you’ve had tools here to support your own reflection about compassionate self-care and being a good friend to yourself. If you wanted to explore any of these themes further, I’d be glad to work through them with you in therapy, either face-to-face in Preston, or online – just get in touch. You can also read the two other blogs within this mini-series to increase your self-care, and find an antidote to stress, anxiety and self-attack. Take care!